Rainy Day Rollercoaster Ride #50

img_0576I’ve made a list of a variety of topics that I might want to write about for my 50th blog post, but none of those things are on my mind today. On this rainy Wednesday, what’s on my mind and in my heart is the subject that you all know is never far from my mind and always in my heart, my daddy. You all probably get tired of reading about him, but I never get tired of writing about him.

I can’t remember the name of the blog, but earlier this week I read another blogger’s story about the death of her best friend and how she was feeling about it. I left a comment telling her that I hope that writing is therapeutic for her, because grief is a never ending process that can take your life on a scary rollercoaster ride of emotions all in one day.

I feel like it has been nearly twenty years since that Wednesday evening that my daddy left this life and I should be over it, but my mind seems to be stuck in time. I’ve tried as best I can to shake it but I just can’t get that day out of my mind, I can even remember things that I did at school that day well before the hour of daddy’s death.

Today as I began to prepare to write my blog post, I thought to myself, “I wonder if my daddy would be proud of me and my blogging journey, I wonder if he would be proud that I finally found something that I am passionate about and I wonder if Daddy would be proud of the person that I’ve become since his death.” That thought brought along a myriad of emotions for the rest of the day.

I will never forget how happy my daddy was that day, he had been so sick the previous week and my momma had to take him to the emergency room exactly a week before, so it was really great to see Daddy back to his normal self, joking about everything. There was no way to tell that it would be the last day of his earthly life. No son or daughter should have to go through what my brother and I went through that evening, I don’t understand why that was God’s plan for us at 11 and 16 years old. Why did we have to bare seeing our daddy laying over the steering wheel completely lifeless after having a massive heart attack in the car that we rode all over town with him in. I apologize if that’s too graphic for you, but it’s our reality. Can you all imagine how I felt walking out of my high school to witness that, the feeling hasn’t gone away. He was feeling so good that day, why is he gone now? I asked that question for a long time afterwards.

Nearly 20 years later I realize that Daddy died at the moment, second, minute, and hour that God had already chosen for him but that realization really doesn’t make me feel any better. I miss him and I feel like the deep pain in my heart isn’t ever going away, it hurts so bad and I just want it to go away so I can feel better. I probably shouldn’t be sharing all of this on the internet, but I figure maybe someone who is stuck on the rollercoaster ride called grief like I am may need to know that someone else understands. There may be another daughter out there whose father has left this life and she is hurting because regardless of age daughters need their fathers just as sons do, well maybe that daughter needs to know that her struggle is understood.

My daddy was such an awesome person and a great daddy who loved wholeheartedly, I feel like a part of me left this life along with him. I think I may have written about it before, but my daddy’s death has made me love, value and worry about my mother more than I did twenty years ago. I’ve become very protective of her, at times probably a bit overly protective. One of my daily prayers is that God gives my mother longevity in this life. I ask that of God a few times a day, although I know death is inevitable thinking about having to experience her death only adds to the soul deep pain that I already feel. I want to get off of this rollercoaster ride called grief and never have to get back on it.

That’s just my perspective!💜

Finding Moments Of Contentment #49

On my message of encouragement that I have started trying to post weekly on my social media accounts that I created to accompany this blog, I wrote about the ways that I try to encourage myself when I have allowed life to make me feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I believe that it is so important to develop ways to encourage yourself when all of the trials we encounter in this life overwhelm and frustrate you. In this life, we are all going through something and sometimes its necessary to encourage yourself because you can’t depend on anyone else to do it for you.

6550C2A4-D01B-4C68-979B-EEB474497C3BIt was last weekend when I realized that I can find contentment in overwhelming times. Lately I have been feeling like I’ve been running on empty. I have been dealing with some health problems and just feel very discouraged and overwhelmed with a million of life’s issues on my mind. I had a moment of contentment last weekend. It was a bright and sunny, beautiful weekend. The fact that I got a chance to spend some much needed bonding time with my nephew Tristan, made the beautiful weekend even better. He arrived Friday evening, cranky after a long day of being a Kindergartner so he didn’t want to have much interaction with me and I was not offended.

Saturday morning I woke up with Tristan asleep next to me, I couldn’t move even if I wanted to because he was literally almost under me. I am sure if you have a little person around his age (5) in your life then you know just the position I was in. I think little children turn into gold medal winning Olympic gymnasts while they are asleep. I laid there a little uncomfortable yet feeling a sense of contentment, because laying directly next to me was this incredible little boy who in just five years has brought an infinite amount of joy into my life. I couldn’t move, all I could do was smile.

180717_120050_27Once Tristan woke up we spent the next few hours of Saturday morning watching Bubble Guppies together, neither of us had a care in the world. It is amazing how a child can bring so much joy into your life and remind you of what’s really important in life. During my nephew’s visit I didn’t think about all the issues that I had been overwhelmed by, all that mattered was spending time with the best nephew in the world, that was contentment for me.

That’s just my perspective!💜

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I Can’t Imagine #48

aidan-bartos-373657-unsplashWe all know that this week marked the 17th anniversary of the terrorist attack on America which happened on Tuesday September 11, 2001. It seems strange to me to use the word anniversary when it’s a day that we remember and reflect upon the horrific act of terrorism that was committed and all the lives that ended on that day. On that Tuesday morning, in September 2001, I was 19 years old working at an elementary school as a teacher’s assistant, living confused, not knowing what I really wanted to do with my life or understanding what direction God was leading my life into. I’m sure just like me, on that morning most Americans were going about their daily routine and an act of terrorism was not on the list of things on any of our minds. Seventeen years later we probably all keep the possibility of another attack happening in America on our minds, although one has not occurred in this country. Since that morning in 2001 terrorist attacks have become a common thing in this world we live in.

Every year since September 11, 2001, I find myself watching the commemoration ceremonies when the relatives of the victims who perished when the twin towers fell read each of their names aloud. Even though so many years have gone by I imagine it doesn’t get any easier for the family members to endure that ceremony on the grounds where their beloved family and friends so tragically died. Seventeen years later just watching the ceremony on television it’s just as heartbreaking as watching the first commemoration ceremony was and it still brings tears to my eyes.24D5C3C1-541B-41CE-B070-21D1E8E11422I sit and watch the video footage of the planes flying into the twin towers and the two buildings ultimately collapsing and crumbling while all those people were still inside. All these years later I don’t think that image will ever not make me cry. I always find myself trying to imagine what all those people must have been thinking and feeling, being stuck in those buildings. Some of them probably were unaware of exactly what had happened and they didn’t know that death was imminent. Thinking about it now still makes my heart ache but I always hope that the people who met their death in those buildings did not have to suffer a painful death, I honestly hope that their deaths were instant. It always crosses my mind that there may have been even more death if it had not been for those heroic people on Flight 93 who lives ended preventing the last hijacked airplane from getting to the intended target. I can’t imagine the extreme fear the passengers on all four of the hijacked airplanes must have felt. Can you imagine realizing that you are about to die in that horrific way?

The terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001 are on my list of a million things that I ask God “why” about, because I just don’t understand. How can one group of people hate an entire country of people to the extent of actually planning an attack on that country that ended in three thousand deaths. I’m sure we all have met someone who we just don’t like at all, but to hate someone who you’ve never even met so passionately that it makes you want to kill, well, I think I’m glad I don’t know that feeling. I have never wanted to kill or wished death on anyone. I guess maybe I should’ve paid closer attention in my social studies and history classes in school so that I could better understand America’s relationship with it’s enemies.

I realize that grief is a never ending process that the relatives of the victims who perished in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks will always be dealing with, but I hope and pray that each of them has found a way to find some peace and solace when they remember their loved ones.

That’s just my perspective!💜

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An Abyss Of Negativity #47

juan-davila-221687-unsplashWhen I go into my quiet space to sit down and concentrate on writing, the first thing I do is pray that God will give me the words that he wants me to share with others. I also pray that the words I share will somehow have a positive effect on those who choose to read them. I also hope to not repeat myself too often, but I guess if God places a certain topic on my mind more than once it needs to be repeated.

For the last two days, I’ve been having a really difficult time coming up with a positive subject to write about, because honestly what consumes my mind these days isn’t very positive. I’m not sure that today’s perspective will have a positive impact on anyone. Everyday when I open my eyes from a night’s sleep I say a silent prayer thanking God for giving me another day of life and I attempt to start the day with a grateful heart, because I believe that God allowing me to wake up to see the light of another day on this planet means that I haven’t fulfilled his purpose for my life yet. I don’t know about you but I feel like that’s something to be extremely grateful for.

I try to live my life being someone who gives love, kindness, and compassion and treats everyone as I would like to be treated. It seems like I am living in a world where not everyone tries to be kind. I feel like I’m trying to be a positive minded person while almost suffocating in an abyss of negativity. When I look at the world outside of my family and my comfort zone there seems to be more negativity than there is positivity. It’s like I said in perspective #24, we’re living in a world that is unnecessarily divided and it doesn’t make any sense to me.

It seems to me that everything that makes us who we are, is also the things that divide us and I don’t understand that. Our race divides us. Our socioeconomic status divides us. Our educational backgrounds divide us. Our career choices divide us. Our sexual orientation divides us. Our faith/religious beliefs and political views divide us. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that makes us similar is that we’re all human beings who can’t seem to accept one another and live together in peace. I am guilty of having judged other people for some of those things that I said divides us, but as I grow and mature personally I am trying to be someone who only sees another human being when I meet someone, I pray that God shapes me into someone who doesn’t make immediate judgments of anyone. I’ll admit God is still working on that part of me.

mike-wilson-21985-unsplashWe’re living in a world where so many terrible things that just should not exist or happen have become commonplace, for instance just this morning there was yet another mass shootings, this time in Ohio where three people were killed by one gunman, someone who probably should not have been allowed to purchase any kind of weapon. The national news channel that I was watching broke away from discussing the myriad of issues happening in the world of politics for only a few minutes so that an anchor could give a few details of the shooting. It’s just my opinion, but I think any time there is a loss of lives that’s a news story that deserves more than a few minutes of airtime. It’s like we’ve become immune to horrific things like shootings taking place every day, things that should be tremendously vexing have become normal occurrences that we think nothing of or that only gain our attention for a little while. I don’t ever want anyone who reads my blog to think that I am being judgmental that is never my intention. I just write about the world as I see it and right now the condition of the world, especially the United States, really bothers me, it actually makes me angry when I think about it.

I have heard a lot of people blame the current occupant of the oval office for people being so divided in America, while I am not and never will be a fan of his, I don’t think one hundred percent of the blame should be placed on him. I do however, think that he and several of the people working alongside him have rubbed a ton of salt in a wound that it seems is never going to heal, by exhibiting such contentious behavior, but we were already a country divided when he gained his title.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”I think I’ve said it many times throughout this blog and will probably say it again many times but, I very often wish that I could be the change that I’d like to see in this world. I have come to the conclusion that if we don’t all work together to make change happen then things will always remain the same or get worse.

Here I go questioning God again, but I always wonder why God allows all the horrible things that are occurring in the world to happen every day. As always I wonder if there is a lesson in it all. Is God trying to tell us something and we’re misunderstanding it. What do you think?

That’s just my perspective!💜

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