Rainy Day Rollercoaster Ride #50

Zena T., ,

img_0576I’ve made a list of a variety of topics that I might want to write about for my 50th blog post, but none of those things are on my mind today. On this rainy Wednesday, what’s on my mind and in my heart is the subject that you all know is never far from my mind and always in my heart, my daddy. You all probably get tired of reading about him, but I never get tired of writing about him.

I can’t remember the name of the blog, but earlier this week I read another blogger’s story about the death of her best friend and how she was feeling about it. I left a comment telling her that I hope that writing is therapeutic for her, because grief is a never ending process that can take your life on a scary rollercoaster ride of emotions all in one day.

I feel like it has been nearly twenty years since that Wednesday evening that my daddy left this life and I should be over it, but my mind seems to be stuck in time. I’ve tried as best I can to shake it but I just can’t get that day out of my mind, I can even remember things that I did at school that day well before the hour of daddy’s death.

Today as I began to prepare to write my blog post, I thought to myself, “I wonder if my daddy would be proud of me and my blogging journey, I wonder if he would be proud that I finally found something that I am passionate about and I wonder if Daddy would be proud of the person that I’ve become since his death.” That thought brought along a myriad of emotions for the rest of the day.

I will never forget how happy my daddy was that day, he had been so sick the previous week and my momma had to take him to the emergency room exactly a week before, so it was really great to see Daddy back to his normal self, joking about everything. There was no way to tell that it would be the last day of his earthly life. No son or daughter should have to go through what my brother and I went through that evening, I don’t understand why that was God’s plan for us at 11 and 16 years old. Why did we have to bare seeing our daddy laying over the steering wheel completely lifeless after having a massive heart attack in the car that we rode all over town with him in. I apologize if that’s too graphic for you, but it’s our reality. Can you all imagine how I felt walking out of my high school to witness that, the feeling hasn’t gone away. He was feeling so good that day, why is he gone now? I asked that question for a long time afterwards.

Nearly 20 years later I realize that Daddy died at the moment, second, minute, and hour that God had already chosen for him but that realization really doesn’t make me feel any better. I miss him and I feel like the deep pain in my heart isn’t ever going away, it hurts so bad and I just want it to go away so I can feel better. I probably shouldn’t be sharing all of this on the internet, but I figure maybe someone who is stuck on the rollercoaster ride called grief like I am may need to know that someone else understands. There may be another daughter out there whose father has left this life and she is hurting because regardless of age daughters need their fathers just as sons do, well maybe that daughter needs to know that her struggle is understood.

My daddy was such an awesome person and a great daddy who loved wholeheartedly, I feel like a part of me left this life along with him. I think I may have written about it before, but my daddy’s death has made me love, value and worry about my mother more than I did twenty years ago. I’ve become very protective of her, at times probably a bit overly protective. One of my daily prayers is that God gives my mother longevity in this life. I ask that of God a few times a day, although I know death is inevitable thinking about having to experience her death only adds to the soul deep pain that I already feel. I want to get off of this rollercoaster ride called grief and never have to get back on it.

That’s just my perspective!💜

20 thoughts on “Rainy Day Rollercoaster Ride #50”

    1. Zena T. says:

      I definitely hope that by sharing my experiences, I can in some positive way help others. Thank you for taking a moment to read my blog.💜

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  4. Quintella Luckett says:

    Senator your post was very heartfelt. While I haven’t experienced death of my father, I have with my grandmother and honey what I wouldn’t do to have her here with us just ONE more time. Keep writing!!!! You never know who needs to hear this. God bless you love👏🙏🙌

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    1. Zena T. says:

      Thank you for such a kind comment Quintella, sorry it took me so long to reply. Thanks for taking a moment to read my blog, I appreciate you💜

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  6. Grief can be an ongoing process. One that some people may never be able to move past. Taking a pause and remembering that person and recognizing that they aren’t here to see your growth is painful. No one expects to lose a parent early in life. No one wants to lose a parent early in life. Thank you for being open about your experience I’m sure there will be people reading it who feel just as you do.

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  7. brandyyates says:

    This might be unlike any other comment, and I mean no harm at all. It’s a touchy subject for me to read posts of women glorifying and griefing the loss of their well-loved dad. It’s an emotional roller coaster for me because through most of y’all stories I make up this image of what it would have been like to feel how y’all feel about your dad’s. My dad was in my life, but my story is not a pretty one. I don’t have the pleasure of writing lovely stories like this. But to help heal the bad memories, I get encouragement from reading y’all stories and praying that God slow my child(ren) to experience the type of father you had.

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    1. Zena T. says:

      Brandy, thanks for taking a moment to read my blog. No harm done with your comment. You are just speaking what’s your reality. I realize that everyone’s story (life) is so vastly different. I am glad that you could find some encouragement within my words about my father.💜

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  10. That sounds rather difficult and I’m sorry you had to go through that so young. I’ve never lost someone like a father, for mine is virtually non existent in my life and simply hates my mother and I. It may be hard, but it might help to think about how great of a father he was to you and all of the good times you had together, with the knowledge that people who have passed still remain with us daily looking out for us. I’ve seen a lot of deaths in my family and for other people starting around when I was 5 years old. I think, it’s crucial to express grief because it’s an energy that gets locked inside you. And even more crucial to love and value the time you have with others because often times we just take things for granted. The irony of death is that it makes us appreciate and love the time and people we have more, like how it has done so with you and your mom. Considering that was a childhood experience you had it’s deeply rooted within you, I think it would help you a great deal to do some form of inner child healing work to move past the pain, but of course, it’s just a suggestion as it’s helped me move past some deeply buried trauma. Thank you for sharing your experience, as most people I know would never dream of sharing that to others. Very brave, and it can help others.

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    1. Zena T. says:

      Thank you so much Brittany, for taking the time to read it and for leaving me such an awesome comment. I honestly always hate to hear about people who don’t have a good relationship with one or both of their parents because I was really blessed in that department of life. Writing about my experiences has been really therapeutic, it’s my way of purging what I am feeling in the moment. Knowing that sharing my experiences can possibly help someone else is an awesome bonus to writing. Thanks again for being so awesome.💜

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