Perspective By Zena T.

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” Thomas Campbell

My heart is heavy laden with sadness as I write these words today. One of my favorite people was laid to rest in her eternal home earlier today. I couldn’t be with my family to celebrate her life because distance and a global pandemic separates us. My maternal grandmother’s niece, my cousin Mary was very affectionately known as simply Mae Mae. Mae Mae journeyed through this life for a very blessed eighty years before she transitioned to her eternal home on Friday June 19, 2020. I was very heartbroken when I heard that Mae Mae’s time on this side of life had ended and in the days thereafter I began to think about her life and what she meant to me. I decided to celebrate Mae Mae and what she’ll always mean to me by writing a bit about our special relationship.

The first time I have any memory of Mae Mae coming into my life was in the early 1990s when I was 8 or 9 years old. It was 1991, if my memory serves me correctly, when Mae Mae and several other family members came to my family’s hometown to attend a family reunion. I can remember instantly just taking a liking to Mae Mae, I guess it was because even as a child I could tell that there was something extraordinary about Mae Mae. I immediately felt like she loved me. During the weekend of that family reunion I stuck with Mae Mae at all of the reunion events. After that weekend, Mae Mae started calling me “her girl”. I can’t explain to you just how much that always meant to me, even if she had other relatives and friends who she called that, it still meant that I was special to her. Once the family reunion weekend was over, I don’t remember keeping in touch with Mae Mae much, I guess that’s because I was busy growing up, but she would always ask about me whenever she spoke with my grandmother.

Over the years, whenever Mae Mae, her daughters and family came to visit or my family and I traveled to Gary, Indiana to visit Mae Mae and her family, just as I did as a little girl I always stuck right beside Mae Mae. As I came into my adult years I feel like the bond that Mae Mae and I shared grew even closer/stronger. In recent years Mae Mae and I had numerous phone conversations that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my time on this side of life. I don’t know anyone who loved and cherished family quite as much as Mae Mae did, family literally meant the world to Mae Mae. If ever there was something that I wanted to know about our family she always had the answer for me and sometimes the answer went far beyond what I was asking, because family was her favorite topic during all of our conversations. It always seemed as though Mae Mae made an effort to keep in touch with just about everyone in the family. During many of our phone conversations she would update me on what was going on in the lives of several family members, some of the relatives she would tell me about I still have yet to meet. Her family updates always meant a lot to me, because like Mae Mae family is very important to me.

It probably doesn’t make any sense, but sometimes I felt like I could hear the smile in her voice when she would discuss her family. She always spoke as though it brightened her day to speak about her family. Mae Mae and I never had a conversation without her mentioning something about her daughters. She always seemed so proud to be their mother. She spoke in a way that would lead one to believe that her sons in law were more like her sons. On all of our phone conversations Mae Mae was always a doting grandmother, she was always bragging about her awesome grandchildren. She was very proud of the young adults that her grandchildren have become. Family truly meant everything to Mae Mae.

As I sit in my quiet place writing these words about one of my most favorite people, Mae Mae, I can hear her infectious laugh and a twinge of sadness hit me because I realized how long it’s been since I’ve gotten to visit with Mae Mae. In the last year or so I’ll admit I have done an awful job of keeping in touch with Mae Mae and at this moment I’m feeling some regret. I’m feeling some regret because I haven’t picked up the phone to call Mae Mae in a while and now I can’t. It’s dawned on me that distance in miles is no longer what separates Mae Mae and I, honestly that realization stings my heart more than I could fathom. Although I failed at keeping in touch as I should’ve, Mae Mae has never left her very special place in my heart and she never will.

Rest well Mae Mae, my girl 💜

If you have ever taken a moment to read anything that I have shared on my blog then you know that God has blessed me to know some truly awesome people throughout my journey along the path God set for me. I think I’ve said many times before that I have come to a place in my life where I try to live by the saying “give me my flowers while I live.” which is why I use my blog to express my feelings for the people I love and care about most in this world.

A few days ago, I was reminiscing about my childhood and growing up going to Beulah Land M. B. Church, being a member of Beulah Land Church I was blessed with the opportunity to grow up around some of the best people in the world, in my opinion. There is one very special person who is within all of my memories of growing up in Beulah Land and that person is Mrs. Virginia Bland Scott.

Throughout my childhood into adulthood Ms. Virginia was the organist at Beulah Land alongside her daughter Juanita who played the piano. It was always an awesome sight watching them sitting back to back accompanying the choir. The organist at my church wasn’t the only role that Ms. Virginia served in my life, she was an immensely special person in my world. She was always like a grandmother to me. As I was reminiscing about Ms. Virginia teaching music every summer during vacation bible school at church I realized that unfortunately she was someone who I didn’t give enough “flowers” while she lived. 

Ms. Virginia married into the Scott family and you see, my grandmother’s family and the Scotts have shared a friendship that goes back through several generations of both families, so my relationship with Ms. Virginia extended far outside the walls of our church. Ms. Virginia is someone that I thank God for each and every day because I’m tremendously grateful for the spot she held in my life for 31 years. I’m sure you all can relate to me when I say that sometimes in this life I don’t always believe people when they tell me they’ll pray for me, but I wholeheartedly believe that through all my surgeries and any other troublesome times I’ve endured sincere prayers were spoken from Mrs. Virginia Scott’s mouth to God’s ears on my behalf.

I don’t think in all the years I knew her that I ever saw Ms. Virginia angry, I’m sure she probably had a side of her that she only showed to those who knew her best, but to me she was always one of the most sweet spirited, most loving & caring ladylike women I’ve ever known. Those of you reading this who know me best know that I went through a period of time when I was home alone everyday before my mother retired from being a school teacher and I can still remember numerous times when I would get a surprise call from Ms.Virginia, that always ended with a smile on my face. Her surprise phone calls were always to check on me because she cared so genuinely and our phone conversations always included an encouraging word or two just at the very moment when I needed some motivation and encouragement. Ms. Virginia always seemed to know just when I needed to hear from her. She would often tell me that she enjoyed talking to me because I have such a soothing voice, I honestly never knew how to reply to that compliment, but it always brightened my day. I’m really bothered by the fact that I never took the opportunity to shower Ms. Virginia with praises and express to her how much our phone conversations meant to me and just how much value I placed on her spot in my life. 

Today Ms. Virginia would have celebrated her 97th birthday, but unfortunately she completed her journey through this side of life on February 1, 2014. I’ll never forget that morning six years ago, waking up to a text message on my phone from her granddaughter which stated that Ms. Virginia was gone. I hadn’t been that extremely heartbroken since my daddy’s death. Although Ms. Virginia was 90 years old at the time, she was someone who I honestly never thought about leaving my life. I know its a completely immature thought, but Ms. Virginia was one of those people that I always considered to be invincible. Unfortunately God didn’t make any of us invincible, some day we all will finish our journey throughout this side of life just as Ms. Virginia did that morning six years ago. 

Six years later and I realize Ms. Virginia hasn’t left my life simply because she’s no longer here in the flesh. I can no longer receive those encouraging surprise phone calls or see her playing the organ at Beulah Land or walk up the street from my grandma’s to visit with Ms. Virginia and her family, honestly those are things I have yet to adjust to, but I know that Ms. Virginia is always with me, she’s in my memories and she never strays too far from my daily thoughts. I’m the luckiest, most blessed girl in the world, because alongside my daddy and other family members who have left this side of life I have the sweetest spirit watching over me. 

That’s just my perspective!💜

In Loving Memory of

Mrs. Virginia Bland Scott

March 2, 1923-February 1, 2014

Hi PBZT Family:

It’s Sunday night going into Monday morning shortly after midnight and I’m sitting on the bed watching my mom and my nephew, two of the people I love most in this world getting a good night’s rest. These two personify love in my life and I wish I could make the world a much better place simply for them. The house is quiet so it’s introspection and conversation with God time for me. There has been yet another mass shooting so the television is on the nonstop news coverage that unfortunately will diminish as the week goes by and I’m sitting here with a multitude of life’s issues running through my mind, praying for something to come into my life that lifts my spirit.

My birthday was earlier this month and aging another year has made me do a lot of thinking about my life and how I’m always trying to figure out where I fit in this world. My thoughts brought me to the conclusion that at 37 years old I still don’t have this life completely figured out and I’m not sure I ever will. I’m almost forty years old (such a scary thought) aren’t I supposed to have it all figured out by now. I wonder if there will come a time when complete understanding of life will come for me. I always feel like God has placed me into a world that I don’t feel like I fit into perfectly, like I’m am an ultra sensitive, introverted girl living in a world that’s the complete opposite and no one understands that it’s not a simple existence. I often feel like I am looking at the rest of the world from my own enclosed space and there’s so much that I see that torments my spirit; it seems much more than the average person. I look around at others who seem to have figured it all out, have their lives together and have solidified their place and purpose(s) in this world and I’m honestly envious although I know wholeheartedly that’s wrong. But now that I really think about it some of those people are probably just as perplexed by life as I am, they’re just good at putting on a front to make others think that their lives are something that they’re really not at all.

I always feel like God has me in a waiting period, I hope and pray that God has bigger & better planned for me but maybe I’m just not comprehending what it is God is trying to teach me during this waiting period that seems it’s been life long, so I can’t move on until my lessons are all learned. I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something that brings happiness to others but I just haven’t figured what that something is and I’m not even sure anymore that I should be expecting God to show me. I want to be the change that I want to see in this world, I just don’t know how to be that change. I’ve said this several times before and I will probably say it a million more, but I want to feel like my life means something, like I’m servicing a purpose and making a difference in the lives of others. Right now I just don’t have that feeling. I’m infinitely grateful that God gave me the amazing gift of life 37 years ago, I just want to figure out how to make it a fulfilling & purpose filled life.

That’s just my perspective!💜

Its Teacher Appreciation Week and I’ve been thinking back upon my days as a student in school and some of the angels disguised as teachers who had a positive impact on my life and taught me life lessons that I will never forget. I thought maybe I would tell you all about a few of them. My very first angel disguised as a teacher was Mrs. Sharon Manness, my first grade teacher. Mrs. Manness was unforgettable, she was statuesque and towered above all her little students. I’ll always remember how stern she was, she did not play. At the age of six I remember being a bit intimidated by Mrs. Manness, but at the same time thinking she was amazing. One experience with Mrs. Manness that I don’t think I will ever forget is when she brought me up to her desk in the front of the classroom while my classmates were doing a fun activity, she helped me learn to tie my shoelaces. I will always appreciate her for all that she did for me and all that she taught me. I can’t believe it, but it has been 30 years since I was a student in Mrs. Manness’s classroom and through the years I have often wished that I could get in touch with her just to thank her for being such an awesome first grade teacher. Another angel God sent into my life disguised as a teacher during my elementary school years was my third grade teacher Mrs. Maureen Snyder. Mrs. Snyder aided in making my first school year at a new school an enjoyable and memorable year. Then there was one of the toughest ladies I think I have ever met, my fifth grade teacher Mrs. Monique Brown, who I loved because she was one of those teachers who treated me and all the rest of her students like we were her own. I always felt like I wanted to be like Mrs. Brown when I grew up, because I thought that there was something so fierce about her.

Along with my junior high school years came Mrs. Cleta Ellington. Mrs. Ellington was my 7th & 8th grade literature teacher and I always thought of her as the most eccentric person I had ever met at that point in my life. I mean that in the most complimentary way possible. Mrs. Ellington reminded me of my mother because they had a similar fashion sense, they both shared a love for linen clothes. Mrs. Ellington fueled my love for reading. She made novels like The Autobiography Of Miss Jane Pittman and To Kill A Mockingbird two of my favorites. My knowledge of Greek mythology is due to the fact that Cleta Ellington was my favorite literature teacher and I was interested in anything that she taught, because she made learning interesting and fun.

Finally on to my high school years, going from private Catholic school to public school was a bit of a strange transition for me but I had teachers like Mr. William Hubbard, Mrs. Willie Wortham, Ms. Teveta Smith & Coach Cheyenne Trussell, along with the best, most talented and creative art teacher on this planet, Ms. Candy Cain who all made me feel comfortable and at home at Callaway High School. My junior year in high school after my daddy died God gave me three angels who had already been my teachers, Mrs. Geraldine Bender, Mrs. Regena King and Mr. Dudley Ford. Mrs. Bender was my French II teacher in tenth grade, Mr. Ford taught history and I had been a student in Mrs. King’s classroom for several different subjects. These are three people that will forever hold a very special place in my heart because they helped me in countless ways. After my daddy’s death I felt like the weight of the world was crashing down on me and crushing my heart and when it got to be too overwhelming I could go to one of their classrooms and just let the tears fall. They never turned me away, they just let me cry and use their shoulders to let the tears fall onto. I always felt like Mrs. Bender, Mrs. King & Mr. Ford really understood the grief that I was experiencing because they too had experienced the death of cherished loved ones. The three of them always made me feel like they really genuinely cared about me, how I was doing and what I was feeling. I will never be able to repay Mrs. Bender, Mrs. King & Mr. Ford for being there for me. I am infinitely grateful that God placed those three angels disguised as teachers in my life at a time when I just needed to feel like someone understood me.

This week reflecting upon my years as a student in school I realized how blessed I have been to have had some really amazing angels disguised as teachers in my life that I am so grateful and thankful for.

That’s just my perspective💜

It is after 1:00 in the morning and I have been working on this blog post for several hours because I have been determined to post something for my blog audience, but I had a difficult time getting my thoughts together, so I decided to just write straight from my heart as I always do. In my writing on this blog I always try to share something that “plants seeds” or is thought provoking to those who choose to read my words. I also try to be uplifting to others by expressing the good that I feel about the awesome people that God has placed throughout my journey on this side of life, because I have never wanted my blog to be simply a journal of my everyday life. I want my readers to benefit in some way from my words. If you know me you are aware that I try to always be someone who spreads compassion, kindness, love and positivity but honestly during the last few days I haven’t been feeling so positive. I’ve been throwing a pity party and I am the only person who received an invitation. In the last few weeks I have been dealing with some health issues and I feel like I have fallen into a giant pothole and God is the only one who can provide me with a ladder so that I can climb out.

About a week ago I posed a question to my PBZT family on my social media pages and that question was, what does the phrase “living my life to its fullest” and “living my best life” mean to you? Whenever I hear people say either of those phrases it is usually in reference to them being able to do the fun things in life like going on vacations and being reckless whenever they feel the urge to. The last time I heard someone say one of those phrases it made me think about what exactly those phrases mean to me. Thinking about what my definition for those phrases would be made me realize that I am not sure if I am living my life to its fullest. In the last few days while laying in bed in pain I started to realize that I feel like I am just existing in this world and not actually living. I also feel like the phrases “living my life to its fullest” and “living my best life” mean different things to everyone because all of our lives are completely different. To some of the people who responded to my social media question, those phrases mean doing whatever makes them happy like loving God and their family & friends, others said that they consider living their best life, living a life not concerning themselves with others’ opinions. Some in my PBZT family defined living their best life as being positive and sharing with others, staying on the right side of the law and living with no regrets. One answer to my question that really made me think about how I’m living my own life came from someone near and dear to me, my brother’s definition of living life to its fullest is, taking chances, enjoying the little things, taking nothing for granted, appreciating those you hold dear, traveling and discovering new things when time & funds permit. I believe that if I had to define the phrase “living my best life” I would probably say a mixture of everything those in my blog family stated. I would probably define both phrases as living life in a way that brings you some happiness and contentment.

I have been thinking about it a lot and I am not sure that I am living my life in a way that brings me complete happiness and contentment, but I have always felt like I am living out God’s plan for my life at this moment. I think that living my best life would consist of finding something to do with myself that gives me a sense of value and fulfillment. As I stated above lately I have been having some health issues which have made me question life, once again I am questioning God although I know I probably shouldn’t be doing so, but some time I do not understand life so I have to ask why. I wonder why God has placed so much physical pain in my life, some would say God uses my pain to show me my strength or to show me that I am capable of carrying any load that life piles on my back, but I don’t always see myself as a strong person especially when I have moments of emotional weakness like I’ve been having a lot in the last few weeks.

You all know that I am always telling you about how I’m constantly questioning God about what his plan and purpose is for my life. Well, I sometimes feel like its because I have moments of emotional weakness and moments when my faith and trust in God are severely lacking, that God is making me wait to show me what his purpose for the life that he has so graciously given me is. I know that God has placed me in the roles of daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, aunt & friend which are all roles that I cherish and I try my best to be good at, but I always feel there is something more that I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I always feel as if God has something else planned for my life but he’s making me wait or maybe he is preparing me for whatever that something more is. Right now it feels as if God is sending me through my life’s storms so that I can learn the lessons that he has planted within each storm. Its like as I wade my way through the storms of life each lesson that I learn is preparing me for something greater that God has planned for me. I have to admit that I struggle tremendously with waiting for God to show me what exactly his plans and purposes are for this life that he has sent me into, this life that he graces me with each morning when I open my eyes from a night of rest to see a new day. I wonder if once I know my full purpose will I then be able to live my best life without so many of life’s storms (health issues) interrupting my journey to happiness and contentment.

That’s just my perspective!💜

PBZT Family, tell me what’s your definition of the phrases “living my life to its fullest” and “living my best life. Please leave your responses in the comment section.

One perspective that I have come to live by is that you should give people their flowers while they live. I think we should always let people know the good things that we see in them and feel for them. I guess that’s one reason why I write about my family so much. They’re the people I love and care for most in this world and I want them and the rest of the world to know just how I feel about them, so I use this blog as my venue to express my infinite love for the people in my life who I know always have my back, front & sides no matter what the situation may be.

On the eve of the date that marks 20 years since my father had to leave this side of life, because he was called to his eternal home. I want to tell you all about the man I fondly call my second daddy, my awesome godfather, Joe H. Smith.

I’ve never questioned either of my parents about why they chose Joe as my godfather, I guess I always thought that it was because of their lifelong friendship with him. Joe has never in almost 37 years given me a reason to question his role/place in my life or his love for me. I always like to say that God had already pre-planned my life on the day of my birth God knew that he would call my daddy back to him sixteen years later so from day one of my life God placed Joe there, because he knew that Joe would be the absolute perfect man to fulfill the void of a father figure in my life when Daddy had to leave us. As a matter of fact although my daddy’s death did leave a large hole in my heart I have never felt the lack of a father figure, because I’ve always had Joe in my life. I literally cannot remember a time in my life when my godfather wasn’t there, he’s been there for all of my good days and my bad. He’s been there for birthdays, graduations, countless visits in the hospital after all my surgeries or illnesses & every other major or minor event in my life. All of my fondest memories of time spent with my family include Joe. You see, my Aunt Zel who I expressed my love for in perspective #12 and my God-daddy Joe have been a couple for as long as I can remember, that’s how amazing God is to me, he put two of his best angels on Earth together in love and placed them in my life to love me.

Since Daddy left this life Joe has truly been there for my mother, my brother and I in countless ways. Being that I am such an emotional crybaby when it comes to verbalizing my feelings, I’m not sure that I have ever really expressed to my godfather just what his constant presence in my life means to me. I could never completely accurately express the love, admiration and gratitude that I feel for Joe without shedding tears, just thinking about what he means to me while writing this post has made those feelings fall from my eyes in the form of tears.

In the last 20 years Joe has been there for me in ways that as my godfather he really wasn’t obligated to be. I always know that if I need a compassionate listening ear or a strong shoulder to let the tears fall on when the load of missing my daddy gets too heavy to carry all I have to do is dial Joe’s number and no matter what’s going on in his life, Joe will listen to me, say something in the comical way that only he can and help me to feel better. Just being in Joe’s presence always makes smile and feel like he loves me as if I were his own daughter. To be honest with you, godfather seems like such a completely inadequate word to describe his role in my life, because he’s really so much more than that to me. Joe is someone who I thank God for in my prayers as often as I possibly can. He is definitely one of those people who will always have his own very special pocket in my heart where all that he means to me will be kept until my dying hour. My God-daddy is one of the kindest, most generous, fun-loving, humorous and loving people I know, he’s a man I feel blessed beyond any unit of measurement to call not only my godfather but my second father. I am honored to know him and to be one of his god-daughters.

That’s just my perspective!💜