Disheartened, Frustrated & Angry #54

img_0685Lately I’ve really been struggling with what to share with you all. I think in the last week, almost two I’ve been subconsciously distracting myself to refrain from sharing anything on my blog, because I just haven’t had anything uplifting, enlightening or inspiring to share. As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy so I’ve decided that as usual I’ll just be honest with my blog family, hoping that someone will understand my feelings. Some of you may even be feeling the same way.

I have spent the last few months wishing that God had made me a little different. I wish that God had not made me a person who is so deeply affected by everything that is going on in the world around me. I really don’t want to keep writing about all the extreme negativity going on in the world, specifically in the United States, but unfortunately right now that’s what is constantly on my mind. Several of you in my blog family know me personally and know that I am not a hate filled person. I am a quiet person who tries to live life getting along with all others even if I disagree with something you’ve done or said I try to avoid conflict with others. I feel like most of the time I am pretty easy to get along with. I wish it was that simple for everyone.

Last Saturday I laid in bed once again watching news coverage of yet another mass shooting, I’m sure many of you were watching. Since I am being honest I have to admit that I laid in bed crying because I’m so tired of living in a world where people use guns to murder other human beings simply because they believe in something different or because they are of another race. A week earlier there was the man who decided to make and send bombs to politicians through the mail, thank God that situation wasn’t as horrific as it could have been. Oh let’s not forget the two people who were killed in Kentucky simply because they were two African Americans at the grocery store. Yes, that’s the world we are living in, all of that happened within what, a week.

I just do not understand how someone can be so filled with hate that they want to kill others simply because they are different in some way. I wish that I understood what’s going on in not only the United States, but all over the world, the hatred that exist is appalling to me. Why is it that we don’t take the time to understand each other? We are all so vastly different and in 2018 nearing 2019 there are still people in this country and in this world who can’t seem to understand or maybe just refuse to accept it. Apparently that’s the way that God wanted things to be, God made us all in his image (read Genesis 1:27) obviously God didn’t mean for us all to be exactly the same.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said “Let no man pull you low enough to hate.” I don’t want to live my life hating anyone for any reason and as naïve as it may seem I wish I could cure all the hate that has existed in this world for far too many generations. We live in a time where you aren’t completely safe anywhere, not your house of worship or your own home. It makes me angry and sad all at once. Something is wrong in this world and we have got to fix it. The hate and division has got to come to an end.

I really don’t have the vocabulary or full capacity to tell you all just how massively frustrated I am with the state of this country and the world around me. I want my five year old nephew to be growing up in a better world. I know that right now he doesn’t even understand any thing other than the life of a happy kindergartener, he’s not yet focused on what’s happening in the world around him, but by the time that he is I want this country and this world to be so much better. In ten years when my nephew is a teenager I don’t want him to be living in a world where young African American males are being killed by the police or where young people who have been bullied choose to go into their schools and murder their teachers and classmates. I don’t want my nephew living in a world where Jewish people are afraid to go and worship at their synagogue or where African American people go to Wednesday night bible study and can’t be Christ-like choosing to invite in a stranger because that stranger just might be a young man who has been taught to hate and has malicious intentions. I want my nephew and all the children in this country and throughout the world to have better leaders who actually genuinely care about the welfare of others. I am angry and frustrated because the world has been in this state for far too long and it doesn’t seem to be any change near, it seems each day its only getting worse. Change has to come soon, its imperative.

That’s just my perspective!💜

Rainy Day Rollercoaster Ride #50

img_0576I’ve made a list of a variety of topics that I might want to write about for my 50th blog post, but none of those things are on my mind today. On this rainy Wednesday, what’s on my mind and in my heart is the subject that you all know is never far from my mind and always in my heart, my daddy. You all probably get tired of reading about him, but I never get tired of writing about him.

I can’t remember the name of the blog, but earlier this week I read another blogger’s story about the death of her best friend and how she was feeling about it. I left a comment telling her that I hope that writing is therapeutic for her, because grief is a never ending process that can take your life on a scary rollercoaster ride of emotions all in one day.

I feel like it has been nearly twenty years since that Wednesday evening that my daddy left this life and I should be over it, but my mind seems to be stuck in time. I’ve tried as best I can to shake it but I just can’t get that day out of my mind, I can even remember things that I did at school that day well before the hour of daddy’s death.

Today as I began to prepare to write my blog post, I thought to myself, “I wonder if my daddy would be proud of me and my blogging journey, I wonder if he would be proud that I finally found something that I am passionate about and I wonder if Daddy would be proud of the person that I’ve become since his death.” That thought brought along a myriad of emotions for the rest of the day.

I will never forget how happy my daddy was that day, he had been so sick the previous week and my momma had to take him to the emergency room exactly a week before, so it was really great to see Daddy back to his normal self, joking about everything. There was no way to tell that it would be the last day of his earthly life. No son or daughter should have to go through what my brother and I went through that evening, I don’t understand why that was God’s plan for us at 11 and 16 years old. Why did we have to bare seeing our daddy laying over the steering wheel completely lifeless after having a massive heart attack in the car that we rode all over town with him in. I apologize if that’s too graphic for you, but it’s our reality. Can you all imagine how I felt walking out of my high school to witness that, the feeling hasn’t gone away. He was feeling so good that day, why is he gone now? I asked that question for a long time afterwards.

Nearly 20 years later I realize that Daddy died at the moment, second, minute, and hour that God had already chosen for him but that realization really doesn’t make me feel any better. I miss him and I feel like the deep pain in my heart isn’t ever going away, it hurts so bad and I just want it to go away so I can feel better. I probably shouldn’t be sharing all of this on the internet, but I figure maybe someone who is stuck on the rollercoaster ride called grief like I am may need to know that someone else understands. There may be another daughter out there whose father has left this life and she is hurting because regardless of age daughters need their fathers just as sons do, well maybe that daughter needs to know that her struggle is understood.

My daddy was such an awesome person and a great daddy who loved wholeheartedly, I feel like a part of me left this life along with him. I think I may have written about it before, but my daddy’s death has made me love, value and worry about my mother more than I did twenty years ago. I’ve become very protective of her, at times probably a bit overly protective. One of my daily prayers is that God gives my mother longevity in this life. I ask that of God a few times a day, although I know death is inevitable thinking about having to experience her death only adds to the soul deep pain that I already feel. I want to get off of this rollercoaster ride called grief and never have to get back on it.

That’s just my perspective!💜

Finding Moments Of Contentment #49

On my message of encouragement that I have started trying to post weekly on my social media accounts that I created to accompany this blog, I wrote about the ways that I try to encourage myself when I have allowed life to make me feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I believe that it is so important to develop ways to encourage yourself when all of the trials we encounter in this life overwhelm and frustrate you. In this life, we are all going through something and sometimes its necessary to encourage yourself because you can’t depend on anyone else to do it for you.

6550C2A4-D01B-4C68-979B-EEB474497C3BIt was last weekend when I realized that I can find contentment in overwhelming times. Lately I have been feeling like I’ve been running on empty. I have been dealing with some health problems and just feel very discouraged and overwhelmed with a million of life’s issues on my mind. I had a moment of contentment last weekend. It was a bright and sunny, beautiful weekend. The fact that I got a chance to spend some much needed bonding time with my nephew Tristan, made the beautiful weekend even better. He arrived Friday evening, cranky after a long day of being a Kindergartner so he didn’t want to have much interaction with me and I was not offended.

Saturday morning I woke up with Tristan asleep next to me, I couldn’t move even if I wanted to because he was literally almost under me. I am sure if you have a little person around his age (5) in your life then you know just the position I was in. I think little children turn into gold medal winning Olympic gymnasts while they are asleep. I laid there a little uncomfortable yet feeling a sense of contentment, because laying directly next to me was this incredible little boy who in just five years has brought an infinite amount of joy into my life. I couldn’t move, all I could do was smile.

180717_120050_27Once Tristan woke up we spent the next few hours of Saturday morning watching Bubble Guppies together, neither of us had a care in the world. It is amazing how a child can bring so much joy into your life and remind you of what’s really important in life. During my nephew’s visit I didn’t think about all the issues that I had been overwhelmed by, all that mattered was spending time with the best nephew in the world, that was contentment for me.

That’s just my perspective!💜

img_0522

A Thankful Heart #27

There is always something for which to be thankful.” Charles Dickens

pro-church-media-441073-unsplashIt’s a week before Thanksgiving and for the last few days I have been trying to come up with something to write about because I love to write, but since I started this blog the words just don’t come to my mind as often as I would like them to.

I’m sitting in a quiet room alone at home because I need silence for the words to come and I started thinking about my life and the multitude of things that I have to be thankful for. A few weeks ago in perspective #25 I wrote about how I am always questioning my purpose and my place in this world, well in the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about that and talking to God and praying he’ll soon show me his purpose for my life. I have decided to try and stay in the frame of mind thinking that as long as God allows me to wake up each morning, he has something more planned for my life, God has some purpose for me that I have not fulfilled yet. I am an imperfect human being so I have down days when I question life like when I wrote perspective #25 but I am so thankful for this life that I have been given and as I have stated before I want to be able to make a difference in the world even if it’s only through my writing.

I am thankful for God’s grace and mercy that carries us all through each day. I am thankful for my mother who has been with me through thick, thin and everything in between, she’s getting older,she’s almost to her promised seventy, and I can’t bare the thought of maybe having to live in a world without her some day. I am thankful for that one extraordinary aunt, my second mother y’all know who she is, God didn’t make anyone else like her, the tears come when I think about what she means to me. I am thankful for my brother who tests my patience as younger brothers do to their older sisters all the time, but he also shows me that he cares just at the right moment and he gave me the best nephew ever. My brother is also one of the smartest people I know and teaches me so much daily. I am thankful for my praying ninty three year old grandmother because she is ruler of our family and is aging better than a lot of people her age. I am thankful for my godfather because he has always been like a second father to me, he is a man I admire a lot. I am thankful for my adorable, handsome, super intelligent four year old nephew, because his smile, the way he calls my name and just everything about him makes this world a better place. I am thankful for my aunts and uncles, because they all show me what strength, intelligence, courage, love, and excellence is just by being who they are. I am thankful to have been taught the importance of family and to have family members that I know will always have my back.

I am extremely thankful for all the great people that God has placed all along the way throughout this journey called life because they have influenced the person that I am. I am thankful to have a roof over my head, sadly I realize there are so many people in this world who do not have a decent place to lay their head at night. I am thankful that my life does not lack love, I am fortunate to have people who I know without any doubts love me. As crazy as it probably sounds I am thankful for my physical struggles, because they have given me strength that sometimes even I don’t realize I possess until I have to use it. I am thankful that I have family in my life like my mother, who will tell me the truth about myself regardless of whether I want to hear it or not even if it hurts me. I am thankful to have had a father who was present in my life until God said it was time for him to go. I am thankful that God made me someone who has compassion for others. I am thankful for my sensitivity and all that makes me who I am. I could fill a million sheets of paper writing about the things I am thankful for and I would still need more paper. I think that the older I get the more I am realizing that even though I question life and my place in it, I am still trying to be a positive person with a thankful heart and truly appreciate all that I have been given.

This year on Thanksgiving as you sit around the table with your loved ones look around and think about your life and all that you have to be thankful for I know I will.💜

Thoughts On A Thursday Morning #23

88FF442A-8C06-46D9-BB45-F07A9A3F8535

I recently celebrated my 35th birthday and I’ve been thinking about how the older I get, the more my perspective about many things in my life has completely changed. I am realizing who I am, what things I like & dislike about myself and what is most important to me. This week I have been spending a little time with some of my family and doing a lot of reflecting on my life in my quiet time. A few days ago I attended the homegoing (funeral) service for my grandparents’ neighbor, a man that I have known all my life, who I beheld as a grandfather and who was very special to me. For me death is always one of those things that puts life into perspective and makes me think about life in depth. I set at this homegoing service thinking about how I never told this man how special he was to me and how much I learned about neighborly love & kindness from him and his family. I set there listening to several people talk about him and their friendships with him and the life that he led and all that I heard made me think about the saying “give me my flowers while I live.” Often times it seems to me that we wait to shower people with praises at their funeral and I don’t understand that.

A few days after the funeral that I attended, I had a conversation with another special man in my life, my godfather, our conversation was about how I want to be someone who always treats people like I would like to be treated, in other words I would like to be someone who always tries to treat other people fairly, because I see so many people treating one another so poorly in this world. I’d like my life to be about always trying to spread love, kindness, and compassion and making others smile even temporarily. I’d like to be someone who gives people their flowers while they live.

All of my reflections and experiences in the last few days reminded me of my childhood and all the love that I grew up around which I think has helped to shape parts of who I am, how I think, and my beliefs about so many things in this life. I grew up surrounded by the type of love that I feel doesn’t exist in this world anymore. When I was a little girl I had several people in my life who I always felt cared about me even though we were not related to one another, we were family. A lot of those people have completed their earthly journey and transitioned into the next life, which saddens me but reflecting upon my childhood and my time with the many great people that God placed throughout my life has made me realize that children don’t seem to grow up like I did any longer, it is like the world is a completely different place and its void of love and real kindness. I can remember spending my summer vacation from school in the community where my maternal grandparents lived, where everyone was like family. My cousins and I could go to anyone’s house along the street and feel at home, like we were with family. It’s just not like that anymore, in some communities neighbors live beside one another for years and don’t ever take the time to get to know each other.

I have started to fully realize how grateful I am to have had many good experiences with some great people as a child, because I learned some very valuable life lessons and have a lot of great memories to cherish for the rest of my life. This week, visiting my family in the community where I have spent a lot of time in my life has made me question, when did this world become so void of the kind of love and togetherness that I feel like I grew up around. In the last few days, I’ve had a lot of time to think about how I would like to be someone who brings positivity, light and love into the lives of others just as a lot of the people I grew up around did for me.💜

What Is Happening? Turbulent Times #21

For the last few days my spirit has been so weakened because I’ve been thinking about all that is going on in the world right now, so I decided to write about it and purge everything that I have been feeling, because that always helps me. I think that I have said in a few previous posts that I believe that everything happens for a reason, a reason that God does not always reveal to you as soon as you might like. For the majority of my years over 21, I’ve believed that there is also a lesson in everything that occurs in life, but now I’m at a point in life where it seems like I am always asking God to please reveal to me why he is allowing certain things to happen in the world, because there is so much happening that I just don’t understand. It feels to me like everything and everyone in this world has just gone awry and things have got to change for the betterment of us all.

Something else that I have stated in previous posts is that I try not to watch the news very often because of all the negativity that is happening in the world that unfortunately gets televised, but because I am interested in what’s going on in the world around me, lately I have been watching the news more often. Everyday there are numerous stories on the news about someone’s life ending due to some form of violence, most times there is a gun involved. I am truly saddened & heartbroken by the fact that we live in such chaotic times where people resort to killing one another over temporary anger, or things that are completely meaningless, things that are definitely not worth taking or losing precious life. There is so much selfishness being exhibited amongst the people who are supposed to be running this country, it seems as though they all only care about themselves and doing whats going to be beneficial to only themselves.

All of these things make me wonder what is happening in this world that I’m living in, this world that my three year old nephew is growing up in, the world where he’ll become a man. I grew up being taught not to question God, but honestly I do question God & pray he’ll give me clarity. I don’t understand why it is that God is allowing us to live in such turbulent times, times when one can’t watch the news without hearing about young people killing one another, times when it seems as though the world is completely lacking positivity, love, kindness, and compassion. We are living in times where it seems as though we don’t value one another, times where too much selfishness is exhibited, a time when babies’ lives end due to unnecessary violence. We’re living in a time where young children make the decision to end their own lives because of being bullied by other children who I am sure learn that behavior from someone older. I don’t understand right now what the reason is and definitely not what the lesson will be in the future, but I will try to continue to follow the advice of my grandmother and Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.💜

Simple Sunday Morning Reflections #18

0DF4EEA3-DD57-453E-B9E6-7B92C92E0E87When life starts to twist & turn, and throw obstacles in your path that cloud your vision and make you unable to see a way out of certain situations and circumstances, do not lose faith & trust in God because he will always clear your path unto brighter days.

“Your situation does not determine your future. God will give you a fresh start because He has a destiny for you to fulfill.” ~Joel Osteen

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacles.” ~Christian D. Larson

A Materialistic World #17

4E714ECA-49AB-47DF-8AC9-39721C924DEAI don’t watch television a lot these days, but this is the second time since starting this blog that something I watched on television inspired my feelings and thoughts giving me a subject to write about. A few days ago I watched a portion of an episode of 60 Minutes, the topic of discussion was how the living conditions in the South Sudan are affecting the children that live in that area of the world, causing them to become severely ill. I have a very special place in my heart for children and seeing how ill the children who were featured in the story have become simply because of the conditions in the part of the world that they were born in extremely saddened me and I could not continue to watch.

I did a little research on the South Sudan and the conditions in that part of the world. According to the Living Water, Community Transformation Organization’s website more than two million people have been displaced due to civil war. Four million people face food insecurity and do not know if or when they will eat on a daily basis. More than 90 percent of the population in the area live on less than $1 per day and 80 percent of the population has no access to any toilet facility. I realize that there are many more places in the world where people are dealing with third world conditions and being a person who truly cares about the welfare of others I wish that I had an efficient solution to the problems in those areas of the world as well as in the United States.

00B076DA-1710-476D-BA16-E5755CD0C8E4Seeing and reading about all that the people in the South Sudan are experiencing made me think about how we live in the United States and the many things that some Americans take for granted. I know that there are hundreds of people who live in poverty in this country but there are so many who do not and I believe that we take the way we are able to live in this country for granted. In this country we base so much about others on their material possessions such as houses, cars and clothes which are things that yes, we do work to earn the money to obtain and are things that we may place sentimental value on but they have nothing at all to do with what’s on the inside of a person, what’s in your heart & soul. It isn’t my intention to be judgemental and I hope that no one takes my words in that way, but I feel that there are too many materialistic people in this part of the world. If you really know me personally then you know I like to always have a nice handbag on my shoulder but I realize that having a nice handbag or other nice material things has nothing to do with who I am on the inside.

I know right now our health care system and how health care is paid for is something that is a big issue amongst the government officials who were elected to run the country, but we are so blessed and fortunate to have the health care system that we do in the United States, unlike some places in the world, we have great hospitals that we can be treated at when we are sick, we don’t live in an area of the world where people constantly die because of conditions that are ultimately simple to treat, but don’t have the resources for treatment. We stand in long lives at stores to spend money purchasing material things on days like Black Friday or the first day that the newest Jordans are being sold in stores whereas people in places like the South Sudan stand in lines to receive necessities like food and clean water.

As I said previously I am in no way trying to be judgemental and I really hope that I am not considered to be but I have personally been working on teaching myself that the type of person that I am is so much more important than the material things that I possess and I sincerely hope that this blog post will inspire others to reflect upon the person that you are and know that the things that you have been blessed with that are not material things like family, friends, love & compassion for others and the ability to make a difference all over the world just by being you are what’s most important in this life.💜

Forever In My Heart #16

F5FAC7DF-B599-4092-96DE-7BF907A90ECCToday it’s been 18 years since the light was dimmed in my world when God needed my daddy back in his eternal home, it is so hard to believe that it has been that long, because some days it feels like it was just a day or two ago. People always talk about how sons need their fathers which is very true but daughters need their father just as much. I think most teenagers at the age of 16 completely take life for granted and don’t ever forsee anything changing their way of life. Wednesday March 3,  1999 taught me to think differently about life and realize that you are truly not promised tomorrow.

My daddy died at a time in my life when I feel like I was just realizing how much I loved him, how grateful I was that he was my daddy and how much our daddy/daughter relationship mattered to me.

There has not been one day in the last 18 years that I haven’t thought about my daddy and wished that I could have him back in my world, healthy and happy. I miss so much about the man that my daddy was, things like his extremely optimistic view of life and his sense of humor that until this day is unparalleled to anyone else I know. The world could be falling down on my daddy but he always kept laughter in our lives, he had a way of joking about things that made you laugh and think about things in depth all at once.

I miss his intelligence, my daddy could make you feel like he knew something about everything. I miss being able to talk to him about everything that was on my mind anytime. I miss riding around town with him, when he was in real estate broker/appraiser mode, while never stepping out of daddy mode. I miss being his little girl who he carried on his shoulders all the time. I miss being a witness to the love that my daddy showed my mother, it was true love that surpassed and conquered all and it saddens me that everyone doesn’t get to grow up witnessing real love between their parents. I miss my daddy’s love for my brother and I, I think that he really enjoyed being our daddy. I miss his love and admiration for family. I often wish that Daddy was here to interact with his grandson who is so much like him, they would really be enjoying each other. I am sure my nephew would be taking rides on granddaddy’s knee every day.

I know we all speak of the good qualities that people possessed once they have transitioned from this life to the next and I am well aware that just as all humans my daddy wasn’t flawless but I don’t have a bad thing to say about him, God blessed me with a great daddy who I always knew loved me and that’s all that matters to me.💜

Dedicated to my daddy
Tee M. Taylor Sr.
12/12/47~3/3/99

Race Relations: A Senseless Problem #14

436F4633-86F7-4C77-8DC3-56AD52BBDE4A I have never truly understood exactly why so much emphasis is placed on race in the United States. Genesis 1:26-28 & 31 says, Then God said,Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. My interpretation of that scripture is that God created every person on earth uniquely, as he wanted them. All people are individually unique and we must be willing to accept one another’s similarities and differences in order to live with one another peacefully.

We have to accept that there is nothing that makes anyone superior over another. Romans 2:11 says, God does not show favoritism. I believe that God accepts us all just as he made us and wants us to accept each other, but we do not. I don’t understand why it is that some people seem to feel that they are better than others simply based upon their racial background. The race relations problem in this country and throughout the world is senseless to me and I believe that if we placed more emphasis on what’s on the inside of people instead of judging by what’s on the outside the problem would not exist.💜

Friday Night Feelings #10

0E7BC6CB-95EB-4238-AF28-33FD96806BC3
I haven’t been able to make my original plans for this blog happen because I have allowed life and it’s many twists & turns to get in the way of my dedication to writing something at least once or twice a month. I think I have mentioned it before but it literally shocks me to my core when someone tells me that something I have written has helped them in some way and that occurred this week, I had someone tell me that my random thoughts that I post on Facebook helps them to see things from a different perspective. I can’t truly explain how flabbergasted I was being told that my words, my random thoughts about various topics helped someone. After that experience I feel like I have a renewed energy for writing. As always I write because it is cathartic & therapeutic for me but if I can help someone with just one word that I write then my living is not in vain.💜

Moment of Clarity – #8

A few months ago I wrote a post on Facebook about how I think that God sometimes sends us signs in our daily lives that make us stop and think and completely changes our outlook on life. The experience that I wrote about on Facebook is one that has stayed in my mind since it occurred and even though it may seem simple to some the experience was very significant to me and has changed my perspective on life in several ways.

In August I went to have some repairs made on my leg braces, it is something that I had not done in a long while so I had forgotten how long I might be there. I probably should have taken something to read with me because the apps on my cell phone just were not entertaining me. I was experiencing the beginning of a migraine before I left home so the brace repair company was really the last place I wanted to be at that point in time. I was sitting there bored, in pain, getting impatient with a million things running through my mind. All of a sudden in the room where I was I saw a prosthetic leg that was made for a small child. It had been so long since the last time I was there I had forgotten that prosthetics were made there.

I took that experience as God telling me that things could be so much worse in my life. I found myself apologizing to God aloud for constantly dwelling on the things that I feel are negative parts of my life. Since God gave me that moment of what I consider clarity I have tried to stop thinking as negatively as I have in the past about the parts of my life that I am unsatisfied with. During the months since my moment of clarity anytime I have down days I pray and try to push myself back into the frame of mind of thinking and believing I am alive because God has a specific purpose for me to fulfill and a reason for placing me where I am.

My prayer since that day is that God continues to help me think positively, that he helps me to learn to not dwell so much on the negative aspects of my life while he is continuing to prepare me to fulfill his purpose for me. I pray that the moment God shows me what that purpose is that my ears, eyes and heart are open to receiving and understanding it  and ultimately fulfilling it as he wants me to.💜